I had lunch today with a group of my wonderful woman friends. They are very compassionate people, so of course they asked for an update on Joseph. The woman next to me, in particular, wanted to know how he was doing in terms of being age appropriate.

I repeated the numbers his preschool teacher had given me (age 5 cognitively, age 3 socially), and Anna was impressed. She assured me, “He’ll be fine.” I disagreed, arguing that I didn’t know if he’d be fine — if he’d ever be a functioning member of society, if he’d ever have a friend, ever get married, etc. She insisted, “He’ll be fine!”

I looked at Kas, sitting across from us. Kas’ grown daughter is going through some major challenges. “You can’t know.” she said. “You can’t possibly know.”

And that’s the truth. I can go 24/7 working to make Joseph better. I can do RDI ’til I’m blue in the face and shoot him up with B12 shots and take him to OT and feed him the right foods and etc etc etc — and STILL I can’t possibly know.

It’s out of my control. When I realized that, not very long ago, it was a huge exhale. I am not in control. I can do my best, but the rest is God’s. I can attend to my business, but I can’t do God’s business.

And the truth is, even my business is God’s business — if I’m doing it the way I hope I am, which is listening to guidance, watching for signs, meditating in order to stay connected, praying for help.

This makes even the hard times easier. Without God, it’s no fun at all. With God, it’s a divine dance, a divine mystery. I don’t know — and I can’t know — if Joseph will be “fine.” As Byron Katie told me, normal people aren’t that happy either. So what is “fine?”

So what do I pray for in this moment? The ability to let go and let God. To feel Divine Mother holding me, holding my husband, holding Joseph in Her ever-loving arms. To see Joseph in his beautiful perfection and not wish he was different. To see how the Divine flows through him so very wonderfully.

They say that, when we step out of a lifetime, it feels like it’s about the length of time we spend seeing a movie. We look back and say, “That was a good one! Funny and insightful.” Or whatever.

I don’t necessarily want this movie to be a triumph over the odds. I want the main character to open her heart so widely that LOVE flows through in an unstoppable current. And that, I suspect, is the motive behind all of God’s business.

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