I lived in a yoga community for about fifteen years. Think modernized Amish plus the teachings of Yoga, with a reverence for Christ mixed in, and you’ll sorta get the idea.

It was an awesome experience. There was a period of about six months where three of us met every morning and meditated, in the temple, for three hours. That evening we’d meditate another hour. The fabric of my life was different during that time: I saw the Divine in every stitch.

Eventually the phase of living in community ended — but my meditations, my inner life, continued. For most of my adult life, meditation has been my rock, my spiritual nourishment. It’s where I’ve received guidance, gleaned insights, got upliftment and inspiration.

Now I don’t meditate much. Joseph is quite psychic, like many kids with autism, and he is tuned into me big-time. 95% of the time I wake up in the morning and, within two minutes, Joseph wakes up. And no, we do not sleep in the same room. And no, I don’t move – just lie there, awake, with my eyes closed. And, still, it happens. So I don’t get my morning meditation time. And in the evenings I’m tired as anything.

I have come to the conclusion, therefore, that for reasons I don’t understand, God would have me not meditate too much in this phase of my life. I miss it. A lot.

And yet, I also find the gifts that God lies scattered around, like small jewels reflecting the sunlight. I work more on being present now, and on feeling God’s love within me no matter what I do or where I go. The veil of what is and isn’t spiritual is fading before my eyes, and I see how the inner life flows into the outer life and vice versa.

I notice I’m becoming more sensitive, in a spiritual way. I feel people thinking about me more often and, when I check in, that’s what’s happening. I feel darkness around people — or light. I give massage on occasion and I now notice so much about someone¬† just from how they lie on my table, from the way they breathe, from how they hold their muscles.

I am feeling my intuition muscle growing and developing. I am depending on it more than I ever have before, and it is holding its own. For example, many people who knew and worked with Joseph, including Blue Eyes, didn’t want him to go to kindergarten, but I knew it would be ok. And it is.

I am really leaning on my intuition about John, our new RDI consultant, at the moment. The feeling I’m getting is that he sees the world only through autism lenses and, therefore, he doesn’t see Joseph clearly. But I’m willing to wait and make sure my intuition is right before taking any steps to change/end our relationship.

It is great to be growing in these ways. And I still miss my deep inner life. Oh, I do I do I do. But there is a time for everything, and this is my time to have dishwashing meditations rather than temple meditations.

I heard once that the deep yearning to feel God’s presence is as sweet to God as someone having regular sadhanas (practice). I am counting on that!

I am still astounded at how much anxiety and trauma lie within me from the early years with Joseph. A couple of nights ago I had nightmares all night long: Joseph laughing and running down the hallway in the middle of the night when he should be sleeping; Blue Eyes making too much noise and waking Joseph up; that sort of thing. I felt my overwhelming frustration, anxiety and rage about it all.

I tossed and turned, and woke up about five times that night. In the morning, I discovered I’d left my Xanax on the bathroom counter instead of taking it the previous evening.

Yes, Ms. Spiritual has resorted to Xanax in the last years to get her though the night. It helps me to keep my hold on sanity. I think I have post-traumatic-stress-disorder.

Everyone always talks about the compassionate Buddha. I think the Buddha was/is compassionate because he lived so many lives. Therefore, he understood what everybody goes through. I know I am so much more compassionate than I used to be. I honor people’s journeys — and whatever ways they find to handle their challenges — so much more than I used to.

There is, perhaps, nothing profound in this post, but sometimes it’s just nice to sit back and have a look around. A state of the state address, if you will.

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