I used to admire people who worked with special needs kids. What amazing people they are, I’d think.  They are heroes. Someone I knew had a Downs Syndrome kid. She held him, played with him, with such joy. I could never do that, I’d think. I don’t have the temperment for it.

Then Joseph called, from out in the Universe somewhere: “Ready or not, here I come!”

Sometimes I get really sad about it. Like today. We had a social group/play date planned with a neurotypical kid, otherwise known as an NT. Our RDI consultant was supposed to run it but he was sick, so the buck got passed to me. I couldn’t get my enthusiasm up. I went through the motions, but it was a joyless event.

The truth is, I am tired of trying to fix my kid. I wish he would grow and develop, and just now I don’t have the motivation to help him do so. Today I want to throw in the towel. I want to stop trying to get him to be normal, which he will never, ever be.

Today I don’t want my autistic kid; today I want a normal one.

Today we walked up a creek with Carl the NT kid, and he told me about the difference between lichen and moss. He said he was lichen because he liked the sun, but his mom wanted him to be moss and stay in the shade. He said that he must be a combination of the two, therefore — maybe michen. I said maybe it was lichoss, and he laughed.

Joseph can’t talk in such a sophisticated way. Joseph might talk about how deep the water is, a subject he’s been fixated on lately. He might notice, and comment on, a dead tree, but he most certainly would not say he was michen, or laugh when I said maybe it was lichoss.

Sometimes being an autism mom means having a constantly bleeding heart. Sometimes I relate really well to those folks in the Bible who called out to God from the depths of despair. Sometimes I just plain don’t want my kid.

Ready or not, here I come…

Oh Lord, give me the heart to bear it. Give me the perspective to be surrendered to it. Give me the faith to remember that it comes from you, and to be steady in that remembrance.

I want to love him 100%. I want to want him 100% because, when I don’t, he and I both spiral down.

Like today.