At five this morning, I was awakened by the sound of Joseph coughing in his room.

Not so long ago, this would have shot a lightning bolt of adrenaline through my body. He’s awake already! my mind would say. Today is going to be a very rough day. He’ll be sleep-deprived and he’ll be out of control with autistic behaviors.

The prospect of my going back to sleep would then have been impossible.

This morning I still felt the shot of adrenaline, but it wasn’t a lightning bolt. It was a mild electric shock that came and went. I dozed a bit more, woke up and went down the granny flat where I do my spiritual practices.

When I sat for meditation, I watched the disturbance in my mind. I have set up a strong pattern of allowing Joseph to disturb my equanimity. Since awareness is half the battle, I didn’t do anything but watch closely, almost admiring how very much I’ve allowed what Joseph does and doesn’t do to affect my mind and my emotions.

Yoga talks about how much attachment and desire can take us off-balance, and that is what I was witnessing this morning. I am attached to Joseph getting sleep so that I can have a good day. I strongly desire him to not act autistic, so that I won’t be embarrassed.

There they are: attachment and desire. The root of all suffering.

Having witnessed these things, I then took my attention to the Divine.

“You know what a screw-up I am,” I said to Him/Her. “I would like to be more even-minded, but this is what’s going on right now. No sense pretending otherwise.”

My vrittis (attachments, desires) were really whipping up a storm. My mind responded by making up what appeared to be a very realistic story: What a horrible day it was going to be. We had a social occasion with NT’s (neuro-typicals) that afternoon, and Joseph was going to be a total mess because of sleep deprivation. He’d stim, scream and say loud, inappropriate things. I’d have to spend the whole time trying to calm him down and would be completely humiliated. I should probably just cancel the whole thing.

Fact is, this all used to be true. When Joseph didn’t sleep because of gut troubles, he behaved as if he was severely impaired. It was excruciating for me.

What I was experiencing wasn’t present-day stuff, though, and I knew it. But I couldn’t keep the trauma in my being from playing out, so I watched it. Fear, worry and terror washed over me in crashing waves. I stayed present to it, as best I could.

Then it was done. Some traumatized part of me had needed to be listened to, and I’d managed to listen. I landed back in my body, breathed some, prayed some, and gave God a deep pranam (bow).

It was around seven when I walked into Joseph’s room. He came down for breakfast and then said he was tired. He crawled into bed and slept for two hours. The rest of the day was great.

Last night I dreamed I was a war veteran. I don’t know much about post-traumatic stress disorder, but I wonder if I have it. No matter. I trust the process. I honor the process.

If this is how I am to let go of the past and move forward, then so be it. Bring it on, God! I am ready.

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