Sometimes, just before Christmas, I go to an eight-hour meditation. It’s always a stretch, but many years ago I attended one that went beyond being a stretch to become  a nightmare.

What happened was that I sat for eight hours of meditation without being able to meditate. My mind simply would not be still. I did my pranayamas (breathing techniques). I practiced my mantra. I prayed. I worked on my kriyas. But my mind kept running on and on. There was nothing I could do to calm it down so finally I stopped trying, and spent the better part of the day just watching this crazed, obsessive, unhappy mind.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

The meditation finally ended and, while everyone else filed out happy and relieved, I staggered out feeling I’d just been engaged in a long, intense battle. And I’d lost.

But as I stepped out of the temple, I received this amazing realization. It was about fear. I suddenly saw, in detail, how fear had run my entire life. I felt how fearful I was in that very moment. I realized how much power I’d given to fear, how many decisions I’d made because of fear, and how fear was in charge of me, rather than the other way around.

You know when it’s a real insight, vision, whatever, because it shifts you permanently — and this one did. Since that time, I’ve been much more observant about fear – more aware of it. I haven’t always been able to get past it, but at least I’ve had more awareness about it, and it hasn’t run me as much.

What does fear have to do with autism? Ha! Even the word autism can inspire fear in people’s hearts. I believe that there is massive collective fear around autism — especially in parents of autistic children. Certainly I have had relentless, unending fears around Joseph and his autism. Fears that wake me in the middle of the night for months on end. Fears that hurt my health. Fears that cripple me in subtle, invisible, but destructive ways.

I’ve been considering these fears lately, and have realized something more: At the end of every fear, there is a question mark.

The fear can be about anything, but for me, it’s often around autism. Perhaps I’ll be running one of my familiar fears, like this one:  “Nobody will take care of Joseph after we die.”

When I dive under the layers of this fear, or any other fear, I see the question mark hanging on the end of it. The question at the foundation of every single one of my fears is…

God, are you really here with me?

That’s it. That is the question mark hanging on the end of every fear. So I’m shifting the way I deal with fear. Now it’s not about the fear. It’s about getting to know God better. It’s not a religion; it’s a relationship. I am focusing on deepening that relationship.

It’s something of a Catch 22: If I’m fearful, I can’t trust God and therefore God can’t make Him/Herself fully known to me. But the way to truly let go of fear is to let God in. Heh heh. One of those divine ironic twists that God seems to be so fond of.

The master, Paramhansa Yogananda, says, “When the consciousness is kept on God, you will have no fears; every obstacle will then be overcome by courage and faith.”

Putting my reliance on God doesn’t mean I don’t do practical things to take care of Joseph. But it does mean that, rather than acting out of lack, I act in faith and with courage. My Father/Mother/Friend is with me, now, and besides that, there are legions of angels just waiting to be called on.

I am calling on them! I am taking God at his word these days, and I feel the shift. Because I am more aware of God, I feel more abundant in every aspect of my life. And as I become aware of how I am loved and looked after, then I know that Joseph, you, all of us are loved and cared for just as much.

God is so much bigger than any of my stupid stinking fears. I’m going to be on the lookout for those fears, and for the question marks hanging on the ends of them.

Keeping my consciousness on God is no small thing, but I think of the Warrior pose in yoga. It involves strength and focus, as well as relaxation and openness. I’m going to be that Warrior, on and off the yoga mat.

I think that fear cannot exist in the same space as pure love. So when those autism fears come up, I’ll be striking the Warrior pose, relaxing into the Love that is, and watching those question marks fade away.

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