I am on a cleanse. It’s for health reasons. This is a more drastic cleanse than I’ve been on in years, in that you don’t eat even one shred of food. You drink lemon juice, water, maple syrup and cayenne, but you don’t eat. I’m on day 3 of a 10-day journey.

I just popped a gluten free bagel into the toaster for Joseph. When it popped up, I stopped and inhaled deeply the scent of bagel — which, even being gluten free, smelled good to me in my current condition. Still, while I enjoyed the scent, it didn’t clutch at my heart, or even at my stomach. I was happy to butter it and hand it over to Joseph, free of attachment.

Why? Because I’m at choice.

I choose to be on this cleanse. It is making me feel better. Therefore, I intentionally shut off the part of my mind that desires food. It amazes me that this can happen.

Being at choice is empowering. There’s no resistance or struggle, because one is actively making the choice. It gets the energy going in a positive, upward direction. Grace can happen when one is at choice.

So, I ask myself, where in my life am I most not at choice? In other words, where am I most disempowered? Where is the most resistance and struggle?

Ohhh, I immediately know the answer: In my relationship with autism. With Joseph, and the fact that he has autism.

Why do I bother struggling with reality, I wonder. Resistance is, well and truly, futile.

Byron Katie’s work comes to mind. She says if she ever gets a thought that might be stressful, she questions it very specifically. I’m applying her questions to this predicament:

Joseph should not have autism. Is it true?

Yes, it’s true! No one should have this debilitating disorder! No one should have to be the parent of a kid with this disorder!

Joseph should not have autism. Can I be absolutely sure that this is true?

Oh crap, I can’t know for sure that it’s true. Maybe, in a cosmic perspective, he should have autism.

Joseph should not have autism. How do I react when I believe that thought?

Massive inner turmoil. Cramping in my stomach. A tight heart.

Who would I be without that thought?

More peaceful. Accepting. Open.

Then we turnaround the “Joseph should not have autism” statement.

Maybe Joseph should have autism? No, I mean, maybe he should have autism. No, not maybe. Here we go:

Joseph should have autism.

How do I know? Because he does!

Ok, this is not sitting perfectly with me, but I’m going to work on it. I don’t want to look at sensitive, impressionable Joseph with all these negative judgments floating around my aura. I want to look at him with unconditional acceptance.

I want to be at choice with autism.

One of my favorite Byron Katie quotes is, If you fight with reality, you always lose. She interchanges the word reality with God. The way I see it, resisting reality is resisting, and shutting out, God. Being at choice, on the other hand, opens up the door between me and God. Therefore I am choosing my son to be exactly the way he is. When I do this, I can feel my heart open and the grace pouring through.

This is a choice I plan to consciously make every day, or every time I need to, until it becomes such a habit that I don’t need to think about it anymore.

When I look at Joseph I’m going to think, I choose you.

When something is really great, Australians say, “CHOOOOIIIICCCCE.”  Now I see why.