This is a picture of, from left, Carl, DJ and Joseph. That’s Lana’s hand on Carl. With hubby/dad Fred, they moved into our guest house for 12 days in June, left for a while, and have now moved back there for a couple of months while they house-shop.

Joseph and the boys have become fast friends. DJ is the oldest: a mature, sensitive five year-old, he and Joseph play together the most.

They were playing together the other day, jumping on the trampoline, talking, laughing, in general having a great time. A short while later, when I checked again, Joseph was sitting all alone on the trampoline, enveloped in a cloud of sadness. He looked lost and confused.

“What’s going on?” I asked casually.

“I don’t know,” Joseph replied. “DJ is mad at me and I didn’t even do anything!”

As we continued to talk, it turned out that the “anything” Joseph didn’t do involved throwing a nerf football hard into DJ’s stomach, making DJ cry and run for home.

“If it was me, I would apologize,” I say, using my Love and Logic consultant approach.

“No, I won’t do that, but I’ll go check on him,’ Joseph said, running off for the guest house. Before long, the kids were playing again.

Scenarios like this repeat themselves over and over again with the boys. Joseph needs so much practice on the social level. It is deeply embarrassing to me that he doesn’t understand seemingly basic things — that he needs a real person to ‘throw things at’ before the feedback is strong enough for him to get it.

Yesterday he roared at DJ, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore!” This was a comment he’d picked up from a fellow friend on the spectrum and he obviously felt the need to try it out himself. Poor DJ sobbed and sobbed.

If the roles were reversed, i would feel protective of my boys and try to shield them from this kid who ‘should’ know better. But Lana is pretty amazing. She is a special ed teacher, so she comes equipped with an understanding most people don’t have.  She speaks frankly about the problems but she always seems willing to let her kids have another go with Joseph. I keep waiting for her (or the boys) to say, “We’re done! Never again!” but so far it hasn’t happened. What a godsend this family is!

And Joseph keeps learning. After yesterday’s incident we had a long discussion and then he, on his own initiative, wrote himself a reminder list. This is what it says:

Behave nice
Give Carl space
Give DJ space
Be nice, play nice
No hitting, no smoking

(I don’t know where he got the no smoking part from…?)

He posted it on the outside door so that he can look at it when he plays.

There is a bit of a bully in him. I think he likes to create a strong reaction in the little kids — both likes it and feels sorry afterward.

I feel lost to help him. Relationships are dynamic things, shape-shifting around all the time, — so the truth is that, in most ways, Joseph  has to work it out himself. I can help him reflect afterward, but most of it is on him.

Maybe that’s what makes it so hard. I can’t seem to prep him enough to make it a success; he’s got to learn out in the ditches. It makes me cringe.

But the Divine choreography of bringing in this family with great kids and a mom who gets, and really appreciates, special needs, gives me hope. Maybe I can’t help Joseph that much, but the real One in charge is really in charge, and I need to give it back to Him/Her. I’m not so good at giving back my burdens, which is probably why I’m here, unable to sleep, at 3am.

So, once again, I take a deep breath. I leave the land of worries, where my grown child resides alone with no friends, and land back in the present, where I can trust that much is happening beyond my little perspective. That a loving God has it all in His/Her hands, and that my job is to leave it there.

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