Never really meant to be so distant
Should have known that it made no difference
You were holding my hand when I walked away.
You were there in the middle of the night
You were there when I lost my sight
You’re still holding me today.
~ Shawn McDonald

Ever heard of the Black Willies? It’s where you wake up in the night and all the “bad stuff” is amplified: Fears, loneliness, unresolved conflicts, etc. The insomnia I experience started with Joseph’s birth, got even more intense after the autism diagnosis, and is still with me today. The Black Willies: Nine years and counting.

2013 was monumental because, in December, I had whittled down to mere crumbs of sleep meds. Then I gave them up entirely. My sleep actually improved for a while, but now the insomnia’s back with a vengeance.

While it was improving, I gave credit to the fact that I was no longer running from the Black Willies. In fact, if they woke me up, I wouldn’t try to write or read or meditate them away. I would sit, quiet myself, and look at the feelings around the Willies. I’d welcome them, meet them, allow them to be there, and then look at the even deeper feelings underneath those ones. In this way, I became aware of multitudes of fear that I hold, that I’ve been running from.

Part of me felt healed from being seen like this, and the sleep got better because of it. But over the past few days, I’ve had very little sleep.

Ok, my body is in some terrific pain, and that doesn’t help. But which comes first: fear and crazy thinking, or a painful body? Or do they feed upon each other, creating a snowball effect that’s hard to stop?

There’s an old yoga legend that says that, in the beginning, God decided to manifest him/herself in other forms. Among other creatures, God created human beings.

The first humans looked at themselves and said, “Hey! We’re not in the form of infinite love and awareness anymore, but it’s obviously who we really are. Screw this! — I’m going home.”

They sat down, meditated, and become One again with their source.

God watched all this happen. S/He said, “Hmmmm. I’m going to have to make this game a little harder.” S/He once again created the human form, this time adding Maya to the mix.

In Sanskrit, Maya literally means measure. It is that which separates, isolates, creates the appearance of difference.

So this time humans looked at themselves and said, “Hey! I’m a human being now. Think I’ll get busy finding out how human beings can make themselves happy.”

Thus the game, the lila, was created, and thus it continues today.

I think this is what the Black Willies are all about. When we feel separated, distant from our Source, there is fear. When we feel disconnected, there is disorientation, misunderstanding. Fear.

It is strange to me that I can have enough awareness to know I am not really separated from God, and yet be stuck in the Black Willies at the same time. Unable to get out.  Man. This maya is a complex thing. No wonder it’s sometimes called The Enemy.

I breathe. I remember the words from Shawn’s song:

You were there in the middle of the night
You were there when I lost my sight
You’re still holding me today

I want to feel God holding me. I desperately need to feel God holding me, and yet I don’t. I sit here, in the middle of the night, feeling alone, afraid, sad and worried.

I don’t mind these black times, really. I don’t mind being knocked to my knees because it’s a great place from which to pray.

And to write blog posts.

From the Black Lagoon, where the Black Willies play, it’s Yoga Mother signing off.

Advertisements